To NaNo or Not To NaNo (that seems to be the question)

This past year my blogs have been few and far between. I've narrowed the cause to several likely culprits, some more serious than others. It's been a challenging year and one that has caused me to pause and focus inward, to withdraw from public view, to be quiet. Instead of sharing my life and my loves here, I've kicked it old school with a journal and the satisfying scratch of pen on paper. I've been writing selfishly, not publicly.

It's been a time filled with reading*, writing, traveling, listening to music. I've been to some amazing concerts and the happiest place on earth (Hogwarts, duh!). I've been inspired and challenged by some amazing writers. I've walked hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of miles. I've laughed to the point of tears and cried to the point where I felt hollow. It's been a year that has changed me.

Now, somehow, it is the very end of October with National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) visible on the horizon. Months and months ago I had grand plans to be at a different point in the editing process with the project I've been working on. I wanted to have this version done by the end of September so I could spend October planning what I would work on in November.

But then, life. And this time it wasn't a question of time. I had time. I had more of it in some ways than I had been expecting. What I didn't have was the mental and emotional space to do the work. After much internal debate, I decided to give myself a break.

A few people have asked me if I was planning to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. My answer has been, "Probably not." I have said things about how I don't want to start something new when I still have so much work on my current project. I've talked about how I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made before when it comes to the issues of Story and Plot. I've said that I will use this time to edit.

Probably.

What a wishy washy kind of word, lacking in conviction and commitment.

Last week, while I was writing in my journal and thinking about what it would be like not to participate in NaNoWriMo for the first time since I started (2009), I came across an idea. It's one that I've imagined before, a kind of experimental type of piece and the more I wrote about it the more excited I became and the more I thought that maybe participating would be the best thing for me and my writing, the best way to get me back into my daily habits of writing/editing.

I told myself to give it a week and see if the idea grew any roots.

I reminded myself of this Ben Folds inspired post I wrote in 2012 when I was debating the very same should I/shouldn't I question.

Seven days have passed and there hasn't been a day I haven't thought about this idea and all the ways it might be exactly the project my writing life needs.

Here is an unsolicited truth about me: I don't give myself permission to fail.

That truth has been a double edged sword my entire life. It's held me back just as much as it's pushed me forward.

What does it mean for NaNoWriMo? In the past it has meant that if I start, I can't quit halfway through. I'm either in or I'm out. If I sign up, I'm going to find a way to finish, to hit 50k no matter what.

This year, I think I'm going to do something different. I'm going to try. And if that turns out to be a mistake, I'm giving myself permission to fail.



*A list of a few favorites from this year include: Saint Anything by Sarah Dessen, Bone Gap by Laura Ruby, The Game of Love and Death by Martha Brockenbrough, The Wrath & the Dawn by Renee Ahdieh, George by Alex Gino, Where'd You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple, After You by Jojo Moyes (see this blog re: the first book), The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness, Illuminae by Amie Kaufman & Jay Kristoff, and Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo. Yes, this list is YA heavy, but some of the most interesting story telling is definitely happening in this category.

Walking among the fallen.

Teenage Daydream

I went for a long walk last night, hours after the sun had set. I put on some headphones, selected a playlist I'd made over a year ago and put one foot in front of the other. I walked past a high school and saw some boys hanging out on a picnic table, listening to music of their own. Out of the blue I was overwhelmed with a memory from my own time in high school. It was a night that felt quite similar, the air was cold, the sky open. I was walking alone. I had gone to see the school play. I can't even tell you which one it was. It's funny the kinds of things our brains hold onto and the kinds of things it lets go. The memory that hit me so hard, so fast, was one in which I ran into the boy I had an epic crush on at a time when I was least expecting to. I came around a corner and there he was, right after I'd been thinking about him. It felt like magic, like it was meant to. We talked. And like always, he left me wanting for more than our few words. I went home, wrote about it in my journal, and fell asleep dreaming of him.

For the rest of my walk it was hard to escape my teenage self. Further along I could hear laughter over the sounds of my music and I looked to see where it was coming from and saw a bunch of kids out in the front yard of a house, running around and goofing off. It made me smile and drew me to other memories and other emotions.

I've been thinking a lot about books, about why I'm drawn to the kinds of books I'm drawn to, why I read (and write) so much YA. I recently read Jojo Moyes new book One Plus One (which sadly for you, doesn't come out until July) and while it didn't affect me in the same way as Me Before You) it was still emotionally resonant even though I have very little in common, at least on the surface) with any of the characters. I'm currently reading a MG (Middle Grade) novel (which is a genre I read maybe 1-3 books a year). This book is hitting a very different emotional nerve that links back to a much earlier part of my childhood than I usually think about.

The truth is, I like all kinds of books about all kinds of different things. But the books that pull me in again and again and again are the ones with compelling characters who have interesting stories to tell.

I tried writing several other novels, writing pages, a few chapters. I even finished one manuscript. But it wasn't until I started writing about high school that I started to truly feel like I had something I wanted to say, something that I needed to say. I still feel that way.

I read two books in the last week in exchange for sleeping.

A Book Recommendation

Last week I found myself with an hour and a half wait, without a book or a NOOK. But, as good fortune would have it, I was half a block away from one of Portland's great independent bookstores, Broadway Books.

I did not go in with the intention to buy. I really just wanted to look around and see the familiar books in an unfamiliar landscape. I may be surrounded by books all day at work, but I don't often have the time to wander and savor. As soon as I opened the door I was greeted by the two women working inside. One of them asked me if I needed any help and I said I was just browsing. I'm not sure what prompted me to do this, but I turned around and asked her what book she'd read recently that she'd really loved. She walked me over to a table and showed me this non-fiction book she'd read and couldn't say enough good things about. Then she showed me a few other books before turning the question back to me. And once I'd answered, she gave me a few specific recommendations based on my answer.

In short, it was a fabulous example of good customer service. I browsed the entire store, contemplating this experience. She had done such a great job and I felt like I really wanted to reward the store with my business. I was reminded of a book a coworker friend had recommended...only I couldn't remember the title or the author.

I was suddenly one of those awful customers. "Well, it's red with white letters. The title is something and something. It recently came out in paperback. Oh, and the author has a new book out and that one's blue."

Yeah, not particularly helpful. But bless her heart, she tried and she tried with a great attitude.

I wandered back to the fiction section, knowing if it were there I would spot it fairly quickly. And sure enough, there it was, Me Before You by Jojo Moyes. I figured it was time I finally bought and read this book.

I ended up at a coffee shop while I waited and devoured the first hundred pages. I loved the characters, the perspective, the plot.

But I had this sneaking suspicion it was going to break my heart.

There is this little problem that comes from reading books about story, about writing, about plotting. I can barely read a book these days or watch a movie without noticing small details and clues I never would have noticed before, all those things an author does to set the stage, to tell the story, to make it all ring true when you get to the finale.

And when it comes to "ticking clocks," this book executed it expertly.

I've been emotionally affected by other books recently, books that have brought tears to my eyes, but nothing prepared me for my response to this book. I could barely read the last 50 pages through the tears and by the final pages I was literally sobbing.

Now, the thought of having your heart ripped out of your chest and then beaten and bruised until you can barely recognize it may not sound all that appealing. But truthfully, I feel like this book is an important sort of book and handles the ideas of Love in a way not often done in literature.

It will be quite some time before I stop thinking about this book.

Reading & Writing

Lately I have been devouring books as if they were necessary, probably because for people like me, they are. In the last week alone I've finished 4 books, started a 5th, and abandoned a 6th. I have no idea how, exactly, I found the time to accomplish this, yet somehow I have. And I've done it at the expense of my own writing time.

There are very few people who give advice on writing that don't talk about how important it is for writers to read. As Stephen King says in his book On Writing, "If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There's no way around these two things that I'm aware of, no shortcut."

I guess I was just really hungry to read the words others have written.

Or maybe I was just avoiding the difficult work that is often involved in writing your own.

Perhaps it was a bit of both.

Lately there have been quite a few demands for my time. Some, quite pleasant, others...not so much.

But being alive can be a great deal like joining the circus. Sometimes juggling, sometimes balancing on a tight rope, sometimes letting go and trusting that someone will catch you.

This afternoon, I've secured a few hours to myself to listen to music and get some words of my own down. Fingers crossed there is some magic that happens.

But either way, at least I got my butt in the chair.

One of my favorite trees, located, quite conveniently, in my front yard.

Reading, Writing, and Blurbing.

One of the things I've been noticing lately is how this intensive writing/editing I've been doing for the past year has changed the way I read. I've really learned how to spot the character details and subtle clues as to what's going to be a big deal later. I mean, I've gotten really good.

I've always been a good reader (I was Grade A English Major...), able to look back at a text after the big reveal and remember all the clues that led up to it. What's different, is that I've gotten to where I can read prophetically.

It's just a different way of reading and I find it interesting and it really became apparent to me this past week as I read The Art of Fielding (an excellent read, I might add). There were so many little things where I said to myself, "Hmm, I'll bet that means x is going to y." And I was right.

Also this past week, The Blurbist struck again with the latest B&N Recommends title, Imagine by Jonah Lehrer. My latest blurb was chosen for the press release. "Imagine is one of those books that has the power to change the world. It's a book that artists, writers, musicians, comics, CEOs, elected officials, educators, scientists, anyone who wants to create change or something meaningful should read."

It really is a very good and interesting book...and also that non-fiction book I was complaining about having to read a few months ago. In the end, I was so glad that I did finish it.

I've also been plugging away at a complete manuscript edit. As the Facebook crew knows, I've been fortuned with a fantastic opportunity to have my manuscript professionally critiqued and so now I have even more focus to get through this revision so I can send it off and get some insights and feedback. I work best with deadlines, so I've promised to send off my manuscript around mid-April. (I also like flexibility.)

I have a lot of work to do before then so every day I try to sit down and get through at least a few pages, even after a long work day.

When I went and saw Heidi W. Durrow earlier this month, she told a story about how she put an ad on Craigslist looking for readers. She offered dinner at a Zagat rated restaurant to those who agreed to read her manuscript and give her feedback. I loved this idea and wondered how I could make something like this work for me.

I am fortunate enough to have many people who want to read and who have offered to read this manuscript. In time, I hope everyone who wants to will get that chance to read it.

But there is something beneficial about having a stranger do the work. A stranger is more likely to say what needs to be said without any fear of hurting my feelings. I have no doubt that some of you are more than capable of doing this as well, it's just harder. It can just be a little more complicated.

I wasn't looking to do this, but through a lucky accident, an opportunity arose.

And that's what I love about life, how I never know exactly what to expect.

Fame and Procrastination

This past week has really reminded me of something that I'd pretty much forgotten about since college. I really don't like being told what to read and when to have it read by.

A few months ago I was chosen to be involved with a program at work. This means I am sent books to read and am responsible for giving my feedback on them by a certain date. I read the first book back in the beginning of December and it just came out this past week. The first book is called Defending Jacob and was written by William Landay. It was just released this last Tuesday it's exciting to finally be able to talk about it. It's a fascinating book and as I am quoted on every display in all 700+ stores, "Defending Jacob is excactly the sort of book you can't help but want to talk about once you've finished. It is a well-written, deeply haunting tale of family and tragedy that lingers with you."

This is the hardest part about reading an interesting book two solid months before its release date. There is no one to talk to about it with. I'm glad it's finally out and I'm glad it's finally something I can talk about.

What I wasn't expecting was that my quote would be so widely used both internally and externally. They used my quote in the official press release and on Friday I got an email that my quote had been picked up and used in a few articles. Finally! My big break!

Which brings me to this past week. And the book I've been told to read that I've been avoiding quite skillfully.

The next book I've been asked to read is non-fiction. I always have the best of intentions when it comes to reading non-fiction. There are so many things, ideas, events, histories that I'm interested in knowing more about. But I rarely sit down and make myself finish them. I'm awful that way. And this non-fiction book is about a topic that fascinates me and is certainly interesting and presented in a very readable manner. But there's also this childish, rebellious, procrastinator in me who refuses to sit down and just read this book. I only have a few days left to submit my comments so it's going to have to happen sooner than later.

I almost think it's driving my husband more crazy that I haven't finished than it is me. He keeps finding me picking up another book and wondering what I'm doing with it. On Thursday, we had a rare day off together and went to see Hugo at the Living Room Theaters (Amazing!) and since we were right next to Powell's we decided to get some coffee and wander around. I ended up with two new (out of print) books that I am super excited to read. (One is the hardcover of David Levithan's Marly's Ghost...which appears to be another of his Valentine's Day projects! and was illustrated by David Selznick.)

Thus far I've been disciplined enough not to read either of them until I finish my homework.

Which I will do.

By the end of my weekend.

I swear.

I've also been inspired to start another little side project (blog/twitterish). More details when it's ready to launch...which will likely be in the next two weeks.

I will probably reflect more on the John Green Experience another time. For now I will simply say it was everything I wanted it to be (aside from the fantasy where John Green and I became BFFs and started writing books together) plus screaming and hysterical teenage girls.

From "my" display

Books, Books, Books...

It's another week, with another fantastic new book to read. This time it's Habibi by Craig Thompson. Blankets was the very first graphic novel I ever read and with it, my standards were set very high. I truly adore that book and it makes me cry every single time I read it. It's a brilliant story of first love and growing up. I could write pages upon pages about how wonderful I think this book is and while I've enjoyed his other works as well, they just haven't hit me in the gut the same way.

It's killing me though, seeing this book sitting on the table beside me and not being read.

The problem is, I'm about a third of the way through the debut novel by Erin Morgenstern, The Night Circus, which has thus far lived up to all the buzz. I'm definitely engaged and since it's a borrowed book from work I really do need to finish it before I start another.

And then next Tuesday is another new release by another of my favorites...more to come on that one, I'm sure.

What a problem to be plagued by new works by brilliant and creative minds!

I think it's best I get back to this cup of coffee and my book so that when my husband has been roused from his peaceful slumber, the two of us might adventure out into this warm and sunny late summer/early fall day.

Be well, my literate friends. Enjoy a good book and take a deep breath.

Elliot Smith, David Levithan, and Rainy Afternoons

As I've stated to a few people already, this past week kicked my ass and left a bruise. I honestly think it was with the best of intentions (tough love?), but I wasn't exactly ready to hit the ground running so fast after my week of vacation traveling. The momentum nearly propelled me head over heels.

This Saturday afternoon/evening left me with not quite enough time to attend a fantastic 4 year old's birthday party (Yoda birthday cake!), but just enough time to relax at home before my later evening festivities.

After picking up the plums that dropped in the backyard this afternoon (dog plum farts=The Worst!), I checked the mail and was delighted to find the book I had ordered had arrived. There is nothing quite the same kind of wonderful as possessing a new book you have been truly looking forward to.

It's no secret that I have both a reader's and a writer's crush on David Levithan. His newest contribution is titled Every You, Every Me and is a story told through words and through photos. It's a collaboration with a photographer friend, Jonathan Farmer. I decided the only proper thing to do, once the box was opened, was to sit down in the library with a cup of tea, some Elliot Smith in the background, and begin reading.

The perfect way to spend a cold and rainy Oregon evening.

As I suspected I would, I am rapidly falling in love with this book. In my first go I've already read a quarter of the book. It is different than any of his other projects, but then, that seems to be true for nearly everything he does.

I am inspired, engaged, and much more relaxed than I was an hour ago. Please excuse me now, I have a few more pages to sneak in before I leave again...

"You know one me. Just like I know one you. But you can't know every me. And I can't know every you." 

On Reading and Writing

Over the past two or three weeks I've been reading Stephen King's book On Writing. I know I've mentioned at one time or another (in some place or another) that I've had a copy of this book since before it was published. I got an ARC (Advance Reading Copy) at work and since I considered myself a curious writer, I snagged the copy and allowed it to gather dust on my bookcase for over eleven years and through 2 apartments and 2 houses until I finally picked it up. Several writers (whose opinions I respect) mentioned this book and it just got to the point where I couldn't ignore it any longer, especially when the hardest thing I had to do to read it was pull it off from the shelf where my writing books live.

Side note: I DO organize my books at home in a way similar to how books are organized at work. My husband has kept me from buying a labeling machine so that I can also label the shelves. I think this is probably for the best.

I've never been a huge Stephen King fan. For awhile, I think I may have been a bit snobby in my attitude. He's not exactly an author who came up as required reading in any of my Literature (with a capital "L") classes in college. As I've been exposed to more than the academic world of books I've come to realize that really, it's just that I'm not a fan of reading books that have the possibility to scare the shit out of me. It's just not the kind of stories that appeal to me. Now, having said all that, reading this book on writing that Stephen King has written, I am finding myself with a genuine interest in reading one of his novels other than The Eyes of the Dragon which was given to me as a gift.

I am honestly finding that this book is coming to me at just the right time in my writerly life. There are things that are really good for me to read and think about right now as I begin the editing process in earnest. There are things that are encouraging to read as I think about what my next book is going to be about (and I think I actually may have started writing it!). There are moments where I can't help but grab my pencil and underline a sentence or two, draw a smiley face, or an exclamation point.

I've long held the feeling that books often find you at a time when you're meant to read them. Maybe this is just my way of not feeling guilty over the years for the books that I've taken home and not read because something more interesting came along and distracted me.  But more likely, I do believe it's true. There have been books I've picked up that held no interest for me at one time and then later have turned out to be one of my favorites. And vice versa, there have been books that I've absolutely adored at one point, but when I've picked them up for a second read have had no idea why I even liked them in the first place.

I feel grateful that I have found Mr. King's book in this place and this time. I have too many passages I'd like to share, things that I feel are on the right track for my writing style and my thoughts on writing. For this post, I'll try to limit myself to just one...

"If there is any one thing I love about writing more than the rest, it's that sudden flash of insight when you see how everything connects."

I too, love those moments. It's when the momentum starts building and you can barely get the words out fast enough that writing really gets to be exciting. Who knew sitting alone in a room with a keyboard could be such a thrill?