Pain makes you...beautiful?

I'll be honest. The past few weeks have been a little rough. It's not like it's been all bad. In fact, some really good things have come out of the last few weeks. I recently found out that this fall I'll be taking the reins of our highest volume store! What has been rough is the pain that has been undermining everything else.

Four years ago I had back surgery. Prior to the surgery I was unable to walk and I was in extraordinary pain. It's the kind of pain you can't escape and mentally, as well as physically, it takes its toll. For the better part of the year, my life was restricted. I couldn't sit comfortably and eventually I couldn't walk. I suffered permanent nerve damage in my left leg that still affects me on a daily basis. But I have worked hard to take better care of my back. I remembered all the wise and kind words my physical therapist shared with me.

The day I realized I could move and that I was no longer in pain was a very, very good day.

On occasion I would still overdue it from time to time and would pay for it with a little pain and a few aches. Nothing too serious and nothing that would take too long to recover from. A few weeks ago something changed.

The pain didn't go away and the nerve pain got worse.

And I got scared.

I never, ever, ever want to go through what I went through four years ago ever again.

So I went to the doctor and he gave me two choices. Aggressive or conservative. And since the conservative approach only meant another week or so, I opted for conservative which meant a week of steroids.

While I am not a fan of MRIs, I am also not a fan of steroids. And thankfully I have the self-awareness to realize when it's the drugs affecting my mood rather than reality. I am certain my employees and the neighbor children would be grateful if they'd known how many words I'd held back over the last several days.

I'm still uncertain as to what is going to happen next. The pain, while reduced, is still a constant. A few more days and the next decision will need to be made.

I think, perhaps, one of the most heart-breaking pieces of this entire scenario is that it's kept me from writing. Sitting in a chair is really hard to do. I managed to get a few hours in the other day and accomplished some good work, but it's really slowed me down and unfortunately, I don't currently have the resources (or the space) to acquire one of John Green's Treadmill desks...though I am working on a little something I can use so I can at least stand while editing.

There are a million obstacles that can keep us from doing the things we love and the things we want to do. Some are the result of external influences while others are self-imposed. What this set-back has shown me is that I am still as committed to my writing life as I was before and that I will do everything I can to keep pushing forward.